Pepsi Man and Something Gone Wrong: Part I

"And THAT'S how you skin a pig. HAHAHA"

I was suddenly awoken from my daydream by the drunkard sitting to the right of me, who, unbeknownst to myself, had just finished an enthralling lesson on Pig Skinning 101. He got to his feet and slapped me on the back, hard, before muttering under his breath, "Be right back, Pep-ski, I got to take a piss...". I instantly made a mental note to myself, 'Never offer to take Robert Smith of The Cure out for a drink again', and continued to toy with the half full glass ((I'm an optimist)) of Pepsi in front of me. It was not long until I was whisked away again into yet another daydream, this time of that hott ((With TWO 't's)) female singer from that new band Culture Club. It was 1982, and I was just beginning my summer in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Though it was soon to be ended VERY quickly.

Robert Smith of the Cure had just sat back down at the bar, and ordered another shot of tequila and a glass of Pepsi, and began another story. This time on how to skin a rabbit. I thought it would be best to listen to him this time, as previous experience has shown me, a Robert Smith of The Cure drinking tequila can easily turn into a violent Robert Smith of The Cure drinking tequila

He had just gotten to the part of gently pulling the skin around the tricky knee joints, when the entire bar ((Which, to be honest, only consisted of myself, Robert Smith of The Cure and the bartender anyways)) was disrupted by the sudden, and extremely loud, introduction of Adam West, who burst through the swinging bar door, yelling "Pepsi Man" at the top of his lungs. Seeing the state of hysteria that Batma... err... Adam West was in, I took it upon myself to help him, and grabbing the half full bottle of rum that Robert Smith of The Cure had ordered a quater of the way through his rabbit story, I proceeded to smash it over his head, sending Adam West crashing to the ground faster than you can say "Jesus Christ, I believe that you just smashed me over the head with a half full rum bottle that Robert Smith of The Cure ordered a quarter of the way through his story about rabbits, and now I am falling to the ground." Needless to say, it was pretty quick.

Two hours had passed, and Robert Smith of the Cure was now telling a story of how to skin an Orca Wale, when Bat... I mean.. Adam West finally aroused. As he crawled to his knees, and wiped the blood from his head, he said in a husky voice, "Pepsi Man... We need... your help... something is wrong..."

Instantly I knew that something was wrong.

I jumped to me feet, punched Robert Smith of The Cure in the stomach, grabbed Adam West by the collar, and dragged him out into the parking lot. It was sunny outside, which was kind of shocking, as Robert Smith of The Cure and I entered that bar at six PM the prior evening. I quickly scanned the parking lot, before turning to Adam Wayne... err... West, and asking him where the hell the Bat-Mobile was.

"Pepsi Man, remember a month ago when you thought it would be a good idea for me to try and jump the Grand Canyon in it?"

The funny thing was, I DID remember that.

"Well, after a couple of bottles of Vodka and some Russian prostitutes, it seemed like a good idea to me, too."

I had no idea what this had to do with the Bat-Mobile not being in the parking lot, so I told him, "I have no idea what this has to do with the Bat-Mobile not being in the parking lot."

He said, "I didn't even making it QUARTER of the way!"

I still had no idea what that had to do with the Bat-Mobile not being in the parking lot, so I told him, "I still have no idea what that has to do with the Bat-Mobile not being in the parking lot."

He said, "After I pulled the Bat-Mobile out of the Grand Canyon, I went to drive home, and some punk on the I-83 pulled out in front of me and took my entire front out. The paint job is ruined. So it's in the shop."

"Well that's all you had to say, Adam West. Now how are we going to get to the problem?"

As soon as I asked the question, something amazing happened. Adam West told me EXACTLY what I was thinking. He said, "I have a '78 Dodge Charger that I borrowed from the set of The Dukes of Hazzard over there", and as the words escaped his mouth, he pointed to the car that looked like it had JUST like a '78 Dodge Charger that had just come from the set of The Dukes of Hazzard.

Then, and this is where it gets interesting, I said, "So, Adam West, who is definitely NOT Batman, how are we going to get to this problem that you so proudly exclaim there is a problem?"

"We're here."

I was confused. "I don't see no problem, Adam West."

What could be the problem? Did Pepsi Man ever find out? Did Adam West ever tell him? Did they fix the problem? Will Robert Smith of The Cure ever finish his story on how to skin an Apache Indian? Stay tuned next week, same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel.